My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
