for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
