I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
