I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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