If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize