I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
