Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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