theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
