I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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