I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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