i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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