chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize