i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize