Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
