the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
