I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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