The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
