forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
