So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
