Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
