I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
