im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
