My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize