She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
