Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
