At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
