I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
