I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
