Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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