After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
