You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
