Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
