i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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