Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
high people should be assigned attendants
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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