I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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