There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
