i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
