Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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