she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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