hell yes lets make some ravioli
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
