i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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