in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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