If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
