we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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