Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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