I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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