I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
