i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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