happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
