you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
