Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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