Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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