so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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