they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize