I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
