I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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