Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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