Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
