I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
