GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize