my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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