he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
