My liver just broke up with me...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
