woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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