I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
