Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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