My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize